Tiff was calling out to me from the bathroom. I was playing videogames in my underwear sitting on the living room couch.
This kind of call had a certain tone to it, just like how Duke has distinct growls and barks for communicating things to us. I don’t hear this tone from Tiff too often, but I perk THE F*CK up when I do.
Shiet, there’s a huge bug on the ground or something that she wants me to get rid of. Not too big of a deal actually.
Shiiiet, one of the dogs pooped or vomited on the ground and it looks extra weird. This is usually my fault, and also usually expensive.
Shiiiiiiiet, she found my phone. Heheh…
Those were all of the thoughts flowing into my head. I rushed over like the second case was most likely and saw Tiff standing there holding a pregnancy test.
Shiiiiiiiet, we both guilty.
The test had one extremely strong and visible line, while the second one was faint. Together they made a plus sign, but still, it was faint. I’m not sure if she had bought that test recently or just had it lying around for a while. Maybe it’s defective and expired!
Flashes of fear mostly went through my mind. Mostly just me going WTFWTFWTF. Tiff agreed that the result looked suspect, so we opted to grab another test at the drug store tomorrow; a different brand for sure.
I had a whole freakin’ day to think about what this could mean for me. What this could mean for the baby if there was one. Like holy shit, I still consider myself a kid! I mean, I’ve got dogs and I care for them just fine but I don’t see myself as a fucking dad. A person who handles another human life regularly and thinks about his 401k and Roth IRA bullshit (I have no idea what that is still) and wonders what the daily fucking weather is going to be like. A DAD dad.
I won’t lie, most of the thoughts running through my head were, ‘shit, my life is over. I done fucked up.’
Since finishing college in 2015 and moving to California, my main focus was on my career. I left my family and sense of familiarity for the heart of Hollywood. There were learning experiences along the way that were expensive on my wallet and tough on my liver, but the main focus was my career.
I was lucky enough to have a chance to work with some extremely popular technology that encouraged me to work long hours. To keep up with my peers who had probably a decade of experience on me, working nights and weekends was normal. Being on call and ‘online’ was second nature. Even Tiff got used to it, and it was so bad at one point that we had to really assess our relationship.
The sacrifice and dedicated has enabled me to grow so much, and I wasn’t about to stop. I don’t want to. I still don’t, but being a father is something I want to take just as seriously as I do my career.
You can’t have it all, and I don’t have a great track record of trying to achieve that either. Shoot, I don’t have a great track record of trying to do anything more than what’s in front of me. Up until this point, what was in front of me was my career. All I want is to establish myself as soon as possible to earn the privilege of SOMEDAY saying that I can take care of Tiff, the dogs, and probably a few little ones, but I’m broke more often than not, we still have a good chunk of debt, and I still like to live in my underwear for most of the day. My credit is shit too.
Me? Ready to be a dad? L. O. L.